Voldemort Orders Pizza
by thatgirlwithonedimple
Summary: "Alright, then, so what will it be?" At this the Dark Lord was at a loss for words. "What will what be?" "Your order…" he said slowly. "Oh, I'd like to order pizza," said the Dark Lord confidently. There was a long sigh heard from the other line. "Yes, sir, but what kind of pizza would you like?" The Dark Lord was beyond confusion. There are kinds of pizza? he thought.


*Lord Voldemort Orders a Pizza*

"WORMTAIL!" bellowed the Dark Lord in a voice full of impatience and frustration.

It was late that evening, and the Dark Lord, as powerful and as menacing as he could be, was absolutely starving. A few minutes later, a light pitter patter upon the marble floor of the hallway was heard, and a plump man with a large bald spot upon his head entered the room, cowering and trembling with great fear. He shook as he approached the great and powerful Dark Lord and bowed deeply before him. He didn't dare meet the Dark Lord's eyes out of intimidation and cowardice.

"Y-yes, my Lord?" asked Wormtail in a voice so soft, it was almost a whisper.

The Dark Lord straightened his back and lifted his eyes to face his…servant. The servant flinched. "Wormtail…" For a moment, the Dark Lord let the name hang in the air, the one word filled with great annoyance and pure rage. "Where is my meal?"

Wormtail's eyes bulged for a second and he took a sharp breath as if he had forgotten to do something very important. "W-well, you see, my Lord, I-I-"

"Did I not…_ask_ you to fetch me my dinner?" questioned the Dark Lord, each word growing with more and more anger. "Or is my brutal hunger not important to you?"

"N-no, you did-I mean, yes, it is, your hunger is v-very important to me, Master." Wormtail's hand shook and his whole body radiated with a visible fear.

"Then tell me, my dear Wormtail," the Dark Lord rose from his seat and approached Wormtail until he was only inches from his trembling face. "Where _is_ it?"

Wormtail bit his lip, slightly leaning away from the Dark Lord's stance. "I-it ran away, Master." It was then that Wormtail braced himself for the fury, the rage that would explode from the powerful, yet starving wizard. He waited for the blows, the hits, and the ever-painful curses. He waited for the piercing scream of the Dark Lord for his irresponsibility of being able to provide his meals. He waited and waited and waited. But they never came.

Realizing he was holding his breath, Wormtail opened one eye to wonder what was going on, only to find the Dark Lord pacing around the room, murmuring to himself. Still a bit cautious, Wormtail relaxed just a little and exhaled slowly. Summoning all the little courage he had, he dared to ask, "M-my Lord? Is there-is there something wrong?"

Almost immediately, the Dark Lord spun around, wand out, aiming at his servant's face, and spoke, "Get out. _Now_."

Not wanting to be told twice, the little coward scurried out of the room and out of sight. The Dark Lord closed his eyes. _Such a stupid, stupid boy,_ he thought. _You think I'd be used to his every failure by now. _"Can't even handle preparing me food," he murmured to himself. Then he sighed.

When he lifted his eyelids, something yellow and thick caught his eye in the corner of the big room. A book. An open book. With bright, yellow pages. Without giving it a second thought, the Dark Lord summoned the book with yellow pages to his very fingers in just a second. It was titled, "_Yellow Pages_" and indeed, it did have yellow pages. The Dark Lord wasn't known to consume himself with Muggle objects, and yet this certain book had his full attention. It was open to a page listed with words he wasn't very familiar with, like 'vegetarian' and '40% Discount'. He did however recognize a group of words that seemed like the only place that could fill his hunger. '_Brendan's Pizza Place.'_ Figuring he had nothing to lose, he summoned a telephone and tried to figure out how to dial the number. After a couple unsuccessful attempts, the Dark Lord had finally mastered how to use a Muggle telephone.

"Hey, you've reached Brendan's Pizza Place, this is Harry speaking, would you like to try our new 'Mushroom Spectacular' for only—"

"Harry? _Harry Potter?_" gasped the Dark Lord. "You're _alive_? How many times do I have to kill you, boy?"

There was a short pause on the other line, and then Harry finally answered, "Umm, is this some kind of joke? Are you trying to prank call us?"

"Why would I want to _prank a call_?" asked the Dark Lord in bewilderment. "Just get me my stupid pizza, you Muggle!"

"Sir, please calm down, let me just take your order," said Harry calmly. "First, may I have your name, please?"

"Lord Voldemort."

"Umm…Lord Vol—"

"Don't speak my name, you filthy Muggle!" sneered the Dark Lord in disgust.

Another short pause. "Alright, then, so what will it be?"

At this, the Dark Lord was at a loss for words. "What will _what_ be?"

"Your order…" said Harry slowly.

"Oh, I'd like to order pizza," replied the Dark Lord confidently.

There was a long sigh heard from the other line. "Yes, sir, but what _kind_ of pizza would you like?"

The Dark Lord was beyond confusion. _There are _kinds_ of pizza? _he thought. "I'll-uh…I shall take the pizza you mentioned earlier."

"The Mushroom Spectacular for only twenty percent off?"

"Yes, whatever, I just want my pizza, okay?" the Dark Lord let out a long sigh, and said quietly, "One can only go on a killing spree for so long before he realizes he needs food."

"Umm…alright then, so will that be pick-up or delivery, Lord Volde—sorry, I meant-whatever you want me to call you."

"Good, you are learning very quickly for a Muggle," observed the Dark Lord. "And I shall have delivery."

"Delivery it is, then," concluded Harry. "Can I have your address, sir?"

"Uh, no, that is personal information, sir, and I do not trust you," said the Dark Lord sharply.

"Sir, I'll need to know where you live so I can deliver the pizza to you," Harry's voice was filled with annoyance just like the Dark Lord's had when he was speaking with Wormtail.

After thinking it over, the Dark Lord decided he could just kill the stupid Muggle after his pizza arrived. He gave Harry his address and Harry gave him his total.

"Alright, so the pizza will be there in thirty minutes, or it's free—"

"It shall be here in two minutes, or you shall receive the most severe punishment ever bestowed on an ignorant and careless Muggle like yourself," returned the Dark Lord.

This time, there was a long, long pause. The only sound heard was Harry's heavy breathing. Then finally, he managed to say, "Thank you for ordering at Brendan's Pizza Place, come again."

"Don't tell me what to do, you mindless idiot. I'll come if I want to, not because you ordered me to. And I was serious about that pizza being here in two minutes, because you have no idea…h-hello?"


End file.
